Maxime and Charlie have been together for 3 years. Sometimes, during the night, Charlie wakes up wanting to engage in sex with Maxime. Usually, after waking up, Charlie turns to Maxime, hugs them, kisses them, and puts their hands under their pajamas. Most of the time, Maxime appreciates this kind of nocturnal approach and responds positively to Charlie's advances. However, there are times when Maxime simply wants to sleep. These moments always unfold in the same way: Maxime slowly moves away from Charlie, expressing their desire to sleep. Charlie moves closer to Maxime and is more insistent: "Ahh come on, loosen up a bit, it’ll be fun". When Maxime repeats that they prefer to sleep, Charlie gets frustrated: "Ok, but what am I going to do? We are together, you should want to have sex with me! Are you doing this on purpose to make me find someone else?
For many, when we touch on the subject of violence in intimate relationships, the image that comes to mind is that of an angry man squeezing his female partner's wrist, insulting her, or controlling her contacts with friends and family. However, there is another form of intimate partner violence that, although reported in one out of every two intimate relationships1 , is not widely recognized: subtle sexual coercion. The term "sexual coercion" includes a range of behaviours, such as insistence, blackmail, pressure and the use of physical aggression or a weapon, to force sexual activity. In intimate relationships however, sexual coercion more often takes the form of subtle behaviors of insistence that can be mistaken for clumsy seduction tactics. Subtle sexual coercion is the act of manipulating another person into feeling obligated to engage in sex.2
It is rare that intimate partners always have the same level of sexual desire. Thus, most people may experience situations in which one partner in their relationship tries to get intimate, but the other refuses. Many people tend to respond to this kind of refusal by becoming more insistent in their efforts to seduce or persuade their partner. While this insistence is not always damaging, it can be harmful if it is intended to make the other person feel pressured to engage in sex, or guilty for not wanting it.
People who use subtle sexual coercion employ a variety of tactics when faced with sexual rejection by their partner. For example, they may:
- Imply that favors have been/will be offered or withdrawn in exchange for sex: "I took you on a great date, you could at least thank me";
- Use "love" to make sexuality obligatory: "If you really loved me, you would want it too";
- Threatening to have sex or an intimate relationship with another person in order to force a sexual activity: "If you don't feel like it, I know others who are interested”.
Subtle sexual coercion can have significant negative consequences, such as increased distance between partners, decreased sexual desire and even post-traumatic stress symptoms. Despite these consequences, subtle sexual coercion between intimate partners is often minimized and normalized. Researchers have attributed this to the phenomenon of sexual precedence: the expectation that, because sexual activity has already occurred in a relationship, it is expected that the other person will remain available and interested in sex in the future.3 In relationships, this kind of "implicit contract," or expectation of sexual availability may explain why subtle sexual coercion behaviours are not being recognized as problematic or harmful.
In a study conducted by the Laboratoire de recherche sur le couple et la sexualité at the Université de Sherbrooke (directed by Professor Audrey Brassard), we examined factors that might explain subtle sexual coercion in intimate relationships.4 Our results showed that those who are less comfortable with emotional intimacy and who find it difficult to show their vulnerabilities (avoidance of intimacy), or who are strongly concerned about being abandoned by their partner (abandonment anxiety), tend to engage in more negative behaviours during conflicts, such as blaming or criticizing their partner, defending themselves, or avoiding difficult topics. In turn, these individuals would perceive sustaining more sexual coercion in their relationship. In those who are in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship with a man, the association between negative communication and sexual coercion victimization would be even stronger. In contrast, people who use constructive communication during conflicts (i.e., being open to the partner’s point of view, admitting wrongdoings, and working together to find solutions) report experiencing less sexual coercion.
This means that working on becoming aware of attachment insecurities (fear of being abandoned, fear of showing vulnerabilities) and improving communication within an intimate relationship could help decrease subtle sexual coercion between intimate partners.
It is imperative to note, however, that this does not mean that people who sustain sexual coercion are doing anything to justify their sexual victimization. Indeed, the responsibility for acts of sexual coercion remains entirely with the perpetrators. Being empathetic, open, respectful, and able to admit faults in order to work with our partner in difficult discussions may prevent subtle sexual coercion in intimate relationships. Being aware that some subtle sexual behaviours are harmful to one’s intimate relationship is also important for the well-being of partners.
If, after reading this, you identify certain behaviors that you have been experiencing in your relationship, we invite you to discuss them with your partner (if you feel comfortable doing so) or to contact a support resource (e.g., https://sosviolenceconjugale.ca/en). If you find that you may be engaging in these behaviours, we encourage you to stop immediately and seek help from specialized therapists to increase the safety of your relationship (e.g., https://www.acoeurdhomme.com). If you are interested in improving communication in your relationship, here are some book recommendations:
- Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love by Sue Johnson;
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work By John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
- Couple Skills: Making your relationship work by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg.
*This blog post features the results of a study published by our team! For the complete reference : Dugal, C., Brassard, A., Claing, A., Lefebvre, A.-A., Audet, A., Paradis-Lavallée, R., Godbout, N., & Péloquin, K. (2021). Attachment insecurities and sexual coercion in same- and cross-gender couples: The mediational role of couple communication patterns. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 47(8), 743-763. http://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1944937
The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec.
To cite this article: Dugal, C. & Brassard, A. (2022, November 6). What is subtle sexual coercion within intimate relationships? TRACE Blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/what-subtle-sexual-coercion-within-i…;
- 1Brousseau, M. M., Bergeron, S., Hébert, M., & McDuff, P. (2011). Sexual coercion victimization and perpetration in heterosexual couples: A dyadic investigation. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 363–372. https :/doi.org/10.1007/s10508-010-9617-0
- 2Shackelford, T. K., & Goetz, A. T. (2004). Men’s sexual coercion in intimate relationships: Development and initial validation of the Sexual Coercion in Intimate Relationships Scale. Violence and Victims, 19(5), 541–556. https://doi.org/10.1891/vivi.19.5.541.63681
- 3Livingston, J., A., Buddie, A. M., Testa, M., & VanZile-Tamsen, C. (2004). The role of sexual precedence in verbal sexual coercion. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 28(4), 287–297. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-6402.2004.00146.x
- 4Dugal, C., Brassard, A., Claing, A., Lefebvre, A.-A., Audet, A., Paradis-Lavallée, R., Godbout, N., & Péloquin, K. (2021). Attachment insecurities and sexual coercion in same- and cross-gender couples: The mediational role of couple communication patterns. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 47(8), 743-763. http://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1944937
