Intimate relationships are rarely conflict-free. Many aspects of a relationship can cause disagreements between intimate partners, namely, household chores, money management, jealousy, or time spent together. What can be done to achieve a more satisfying conflict resolution for all parties?
Picture this: For a while now, have been feeling as though you are doing a lot more of the housework than your partner. You feel that the responsibility inevitably falls on your shoulders, and you accumulate a lot of frustration. When you finally decide to talk about it, your partner replies:
“Do you really think I have time to clean with the hours I am working these days? It's only fair that you do more!”.
How do you feel about such a response? On the other hand, how would you have felt if their answer had been:
“Oh, I didn't know you felt that way. It's true that lately I've been putting the housework aside because of the extra hours I'm putting in at work. But I hear that it puts a lot of extra weight on your shoulders, and you are finding it hard. What could be done to improve the situation?”.
A large majority of people would prefer the response in the second scenario. The first scenario depicts a partner who discredits your experience and values their own point of view. Conversely, the second scenario portrays a partner who seems to put themselves in your shoes and incorporate your point of view and feelings into their own understanding of the problem. This is called perspective-taking in conflict.
What is perspective-taking?
Perspective-taking is defined as the ability to understand the other person's point of view and to put oneself in their shoes1 . It is the ability to imagine what the other person is feeling, thinking, or might feel in the future. Perspective-taking is considered a cognitive component of empathy2 , an ability to see beyond one's own interests and feelings.
However, perspective-taking is not only a cognitive phenomenon, i.e., one that occurs in our minds. It is also reflected in our behaviors, in the way we communicate to the other person, implicitly or explicitly, that we recognize, understand, and consider their point of view3 . Thus, through their verbal and non-verbal behaviors in an interaction, partners can demonstrate effort and interest in understanding and integrating the other's perspective.
It is not a matter of always agreeing with one's partner but recognizing and considering the other's perspective in one's own understanding of a situation. Indeed, perspective-taking behaviors can help partners feel valued, understood, and more satisfied, even when they disagree3 .
What are the benefits of perspective-taking in intimate conflicts?
In particular, perspective-taking behaviors during a conflict were associated with fewer dominance-oriented goals, such as "winning" the argument or changing the other's perspective. Perspective-taking behaviors were also associated with more relationship-oriented goals, such as finding a mutually beneficial solution for both partners or maintaining a positive relationship4 . In other words, by making a consistent effort to try to understand the other's point of view during a conflict, partners demonstrate that they value the relationship more than the outcome of the conflict, thereby strengthening their emotional bond over time5 .
In fact, when one partner tends to show perspective-taking during intimate conflicts, the other partner tends to be more satisfied with the intimate relationship in general3 and is less likely to consider breaking up4 . Perspective-taking during intimate conflict has even been associated with greater sexual satisfaction in intimate relationships6 .
Why is it easier said than done?
An individual may have good interpersonal skills, such as the ability to empathize when a partner shares a personally difficult situation, but may not mobilize these skills effectively or consistently during an intimate conflict7 . Indeed, when they find themselves in a situation of disagreement involving them emotionally, they may be inclined to want to convince each other of the superiority of their perspective. To do this, partners may tend to minimize the elements that threaten the legitimacy of their viewpoint8 . For example, as presented in the first scenario above, one partner may attempt to discredit their partner's perception by stating that they are exaggerating or that their view of the situation is wrong. However, this tendency to perceive intimate conflict as a debate, where only one perspective is valid and superior, is not associated with satisfactory conflict resolution3 . By demonstrating perspective-taking, partners help shift the focus of the conflict from debate to understanding, thereby promoting a more satisfactory resolution.
How to put perspective-taking into practice in your relationship?
Here are the different dimensions of perspective-taking and some examples of behaviors to focus on during intimate conflicts:
- Be attentive: Look at your partner when they share their point of view, nod your head, ask interesting questions, be patient, etc.
- Create a space for your partner to express themselves: Let your partner talk, avoid interrupting, encourage them to share their views: "What do you think?
- Communicate your understanding: Show that you understand what your partner brings to the interaction: “I understand”, “I see how you could feel that way”.
- Create a positive emotional atmosphere: Communicate your love and the importance of your relationship: "Our relationship is important to me," "Let's find a way to make it better."
- Validate your partner's identity: Validate your partner as a person: "You really do try hard," give examples of behaviors you appreciate in your partner: "I really like it when you do that," reflect the feelings communicated by your partner in a caring way: "It makes you sad when...", etc.
Perspective-taking is a challenge in intimate conflicts, especially when partners are heavily involved and experiencing intense emotions. However, the benefits of such skills within intimate relationships are worth the effort. Especially since by taking the first steps and trying to show perspective-taking in your intimate conflicts, it is likely that your partner will reciprocate by becoming more open and willing to demonstrate perspective-taking towards you9 . Ultimately, this may lead to a more mutually satisfying conflict resolution and thus, contribute to your overall satisfaction with the relationship.
The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec.
To cite this article: Emond, M., et Daspe, M.-È. (2022, March 18). "Can you imagine how I feel?". TRACE Blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/can-you-imagine-how-i-feel
- 1Long, E. C. (1993). Perspective-taking differences between high-and low-adjustment marriages: Implications for those in intervention. American Journal of Family Therapy, 21(3), 248-259.
- 2Davis, M. H. (1983). Measuring individual differences in empathy: Evidence for a multidimensional approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 44(1), 113.
- 3 a b c d Kellas, J. K., Carr, K., Horstman, H. K. et Dilillo, D. (2017). The Communicated Perspective‐Taking Rating System and links to well‐being in marital conflict. Personal Relationships, 24(1), 185-202.
- 4 a b Lundell, L. J., Grusec, J. E., McShane, K. E. et Davidov, M. (2008). Mother–adolescent conflict: Adolescent goals, maternal perspective‐taking, and conflict intensity. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 18(3), 555-571.
- 5Péloquin, K. et Lafontaine, M. F. (2010). Measuring empathy in couples: Validity and reliability of the interpersonal reactivity index for couples. Journal of Personality Assessment, 92(2), 146-157.
- 6Rosen, N. O., Mooney, K. et Muise, A. (2017). Dyadic empathy predicts sexual and relationship well-being in couples transitioning to parenthood. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(6), 543-559.
- 7Long, E. C. (1994). Maintaining a Stable Marriage: Perspective Taking as a Predictor or a Propensity to Divorce. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 21(1-2), 121-138.
- 8Ickes, W. et Hodges, S. D. (2013). Empathic Accuracy in Close Relationship. Dans J. A. Sampson et L. Campbell (dir.), The Oxford handbook of close relationships (p. 348-373). Oxford Library of Psychology
- 9Pike, G. R. et Sillars, A. L. (1985). Reciprocity of marital communication. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2(3), 303-324.