Jane and Taylor, who have been in a loving relationship for over a year, both arrive home after a long day at work, where Taylor realises that she forgot to buy milk again, as Jane had previously asked her to do. In an outburst, Jane asks “Is it so hard to remember this one simple thing that I ask of you? How is it that you always seem to forget? Do I even matter to you since our relationship seems like such a hurdle for you?”.
Taylor shuts down, being so taken aback by Jane’s words. She doesn’t understand how this seemingly innocent slipup brings such emotions for Jane and doubts about her emotions and dedication to their relationship. In reaction to Taylor shutting down, Jane sighs and adds “As always you shut me out… Fine! I’ll go get milk, since I can’t even count on you anyways”.
This conflict can be perceived as innocent and unrelated, but it can also speak volumes as to their deeper issues as a couple. The intensity of Jane’s outburst and Taylor’s emotional shut down could highlight their typical ways of reacting to conflict, also referred to as their problematic dance. This critic/withdraw dance prevents the couple to discuss their emotional needs beyond the present conflict; this dance keeps it about the milk! As a sexologist and psychotherapist, to put forth how there is so much more at play then the pint of milk that was forgotten, I turn to this story to illustrate romantic attachment.
What is attachment and how does it work, you may ask? Well, simply put, attachment is inherent to all, it is part of our survival instinct, our basic needs as humans. We all seek support when we are in need, specifically by turning to our loved ones (whether it be parents, grandparents, friends, partners, etc.). When your needs are met, you may feel like you belong, that you are seen and cared for. However, that might not be the case for all. Our expectations towards our needs being met by others are shaped by our past experiences. We might instead use emotional strategies that are not optimal (e.g., being critical, seeking excessive reassurance or even shut down) to manage our disappointment, being used to not having our needs met. Those strategies are put in place to protect ourselves from hurting, but unfortunately, they do not allow for our close ones to really know what is happening for us underneath.
Our interpretation, whether it be our own needs and other people’s reactions (and vice versa; their needs and our reactions), is also based on our past experiences. The tricky part is that sometimes our interpretation can be wrong, due to the accumulation of disappointment. We might code by default that our partner has bad intentions or will not be there for us, when it is the opposite. For example, we might seek closeness, but instead stir up a disagreement with our partner, being distant or cold towards them. Understandably so, this strategy might have the opposite impact, driving our partner away, not responding to our core attachment needs. Criticizing, ruminations and overthinking can all be an example of strategies that send the wrong signals to our partner about our needs of support, but rather sending signals of distancing. This is a key element that we want to have access to; which need do we truly wish to communicate to our partner? Are our strategies aligned with our needs?
Coming back to Jane and Taylor: the main goal here is to better understand and empathize with both of them. Jane does not feel cared for, considered by Taylor, where Taylor feels like an unsuitable partner. They both feel bad and shut each other out, using distinct strategies; Jane criticizes and Taylor shuts down emotionally, which does not allow for a true connexion – which they both ultimately seek.
Here are some cues to deescalate a conflict and find your way back to each other:
- Go beyond the surface of your conflict. When you feel your problematic dance starting, try to slow things down and ask yourselves what the conflict is really about? This will enable to break free from the cycle of empty arguments leading nowhere. It is important that both you and your partner are patient and curious enough to try and understand together what is really going on for both of you.
- Identify and communicate your needs properly to your partner makes it easier to have them met. Take the time to ask yourself: “what are my current attachment needs”? You might need comfort, closeness, to feel seen and appreciated, valued, validated, respected, heard, etc. You can also show empathy towards your partner by helping identify and share their attachment needs to you, even if they are not the same as yours. Be accessible, responsive and engage to meet your partner’s needs.
- Identify and understand your part in the dance. Are your actual strategies aligned with your attachment needs? If not, try clearer signals, ask for support differently, to truly convey to your partner what you need. Through vulnerability you can share your true needs.
- The goal is never to be perfect, sometimes is it difficult to identify, share your needs and be there for your partner. However, when you realize that you are stuck in your problematic dance, it is time to sit down with your partner and see what is underneath.
Hopefully this blog post on Romantic Attachment 101 will help you navigate through what is at play for you and your partner when you feel stuck in your dance. Your past experiences are not crystalized; it is possible to change your nonoptimal strategies, your patterns. Do not hesitate to seek professional help to accompany you through attachment related issues. To learn more on your own you might find this book useful: Sue Johnson (2008) Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love.
*N.B. Conflict as mentioned here does not reflect a relationship where your integrity is at stake (e.g., psychological, physical, sexual and/or financial violence; possible mental health issues untreated; substance abuse). Please seek help if that is your situation.
