Not tonight honey, I have a headache!

Sam can't wait for Alex to return from a work trip so they can have an intimate moment together. When Alex gets home, Sam immediately notices that Alex looks exhausted and responds poorly to his/her affection. Alex feels their stomach is tied in knots: they can sense Sam's attempts for intimacy but is not sure how to say “no” without hurting his/her feelings. Alex takes a risk and expresses their fatigue to Sam, while reassuring them about their love. Alex and Sam finally decide to watch a film together and to cuddle.

As shown in this example, in a romantic relationship, it is completely normal to experience moments in which you do not want to engage in sexual activities when your partner attempts to get intimate. It is actually quite rare for the two partners' sexual desire levels to be similar at all times1. For example, energy levels, relationship satisfaction, certain mental health issues, daily stress, other biological, physical or hormonal aspects and even more are all factors that can influence and explain normal variations in sexual desire1. 

As such, all couples face situations in which one partner refuses to engage in sexual activities with the other, a situation that can be difficult for both partners and can lead to emotionally charged conversations2. Sexual refusal is the expression, either clear or more subtle, of disinterest in engaging in a sexual activity3. It can be expressed in several ways (see chart below). Although sexual refusal generally tends to disappoint the partner, some ways of expressing it can still lead to higher individual and relational well-being3,4.

Studies have shown that the most optimal strategy for a couple is to refuse by reassuring the partner about their attraction and/or their love for them3,5. Using the example given above, Alex might say to Sam: “Sweetheart, I'm really happy to see you, but I'm very tired tonight and I'd rather not have sex. But I want you to know that I love you very much (Alex then gives Sam a hug)”. Since this strategy should lead the person receiving the sexual refusal to feel more listened to, it can promote intimacy in the couple, as well as higher relationship and sexual satisfaction for them. For example, Sam might react to the sexual refusal in this way: “I'll be honest, I'm disappointed since I've missed you and I was looking forward to seeing you, but I understand if you don’t want to have sex tonight. Thanks for reassuring me, I love you too. Can we still cuddle?” Differently, the other three types of sexual refusal rather tend to be harmful for the partner's relationship and/or sexual satisfaction as they can be perceived as hurtful and can make the partner feel less listened to3,4.

However, it's not always easy to express sexual refusal, especially if a person fears a negative reaction from their partner (e.g. sadness, not feeling wanted), or a negative consequence on the relationship (e.g. decreased relationship or sexual satisfaction, conflict, infidelity)6,7. One study found that people with higher intimacy avoidance (i.e., those with a strong need for independence and a difficulty being vulnerable and intimate with their partner) tend to use more anger, criticism or deflection to refuse sex. On the opposite, people with a greater ability to assert themselves sexually and those who report greater motivation to meet their partner's sexual needs are less likely to use these strategies3. In some cases, sexual refusal can be difficult to express when the partner has previously reacted to it with anger, guilt, by sulking or with further insistence, which represent subtle forms of subtle sexual coercion5.

Some situations in which partners have to negotiate the contexts, the nature or the frequency of sexual activities can also be more complex. In fact, some people will sometimes engage in sex with their partner even though they don't want to. This type of situation is called sexual conformity and it can be distinguished from sexual coercion by the fact that the person makes a free and deliberate choice to engage in sex free from any coercion (e.g., attempting to persuade, manipulate or coerce the other)8,9. In general, sexual conformity is associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction5. However, some studies have also shown that it is associated with more disappointment9 and less pleasure10 during sexual activities.

Although studies on the subject remain scarce, the way in which the negotiation of sexual refusal takes place in a couple is decisive for the well-being of partners. As such, it is important to take a moment to question ourselves about the diverse forms and contexts of sexual refusal in our relationship: our, and our partner’s signals of sexual desire, our ability to express sexual refusal, the ways in which we express it to our partner and the ways in which we react to sexual refusal by them. This can also be the subject of a conversation with your partner, to take the time to talk openly and compassionately about your experience regarding sexual refusal, or about your sexual needs, desires and limits. 

The Spark Lab, directed by Dr. Dugal, is looking for participants for a study on the negotiation of sexuality within couples (participation link coming soon).

Resources.

• If you have any questions or concerns, refer to a sexologist or psychologist.
• Suggested reading for a better understanding of sexual desire:
  • Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life 
  • Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec. 

To cite this article: Vallée, A. & Dugal, C. (2024, October 21). Not tonight honey, I have a headache! TRACE Blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/not-tonight-honey-i-have-headache

• 1a1bArenella, K., Girard, A., & Connor, J. (2024). Desire discrepancy in long-term relationships: A qualitative study with diverse couples. Family process, 1-16. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12967
• 2Rehman, U. S., Lizdek, I., Fallis, E. E., Sutherland, S., & Goodnight, J. A. (2017). How is sexual communication different from nonsexual communication? A moment-by-moment analysis of discussions between romantic partners. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 2339-2352. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1006-5
• 3Kim, J. J., Muise, A., Sakaluk, J. K., Rosen, N. O., & Impett, E. A. (2020). When tonight is not the night: Sexual rejection behaviors and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(10), 1476-1490. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220907469
• 3Kim, J. J., Muise, A., Sakaluk, J. K., Rosen, N. O., & Impett, E. A. (2020). When tonight is not the night: Sexual rejection behaviors and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(10), 1476-1490. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220907469
• 3Kim, J. J., Muise, A., Sakaluk, J. K., Rosen, N. O., & Impett, E. A. (2020). When tonight is not the night: Sexual rejection behaviors and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 46(10), 1476-1490. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220907469
• 3Kim, J. J., Muise, A., Sakaluk, J. K., Rosen, N. O., & Impett, E. A. (2020). When tonight is not the night: Sexual rejection behaviors and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 46(10), 1476-1490. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220907469
• 3Kim, J. J., Muise, A., Sakaluk, J. K., Rosen, N. O., & Impett, E. A. (2020). When tonight is not the night: Sexual rejection behaviors and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 46(10), 1476-1490. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220907469
• 4a4bKim, J., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2018). The relationship implications of rejecting a partner for sex kindly versus having sex reluctantly. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 485-508. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517743084
• 5Struckman‐Johnson, C., Struckman‐Johnson, D., & Anderson, P. B. (2003). Tactics of sexual coercion: When men and women won’t take no for an answer. The Journal of Sex Research, 40(1), 76-86. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490309552168
• 5Struckman‐Johnson, C., Struckman‐Johnson, D., & Anderson, P. B. (2003). Tactics of sexual coercion: When men and women won’t take no for an answer. The Journal of Sex Research, 40(1), 76-86. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490309552168
• 5Struckman‐Johnson, C., Struckman‐Johnson, D., & Anderson, P. B. (2003). Tactics of sexual coercion: When men and women won’t take no for an answer. The Journal of Sex Research, 40(1), 76-86. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490309552168
• 6Dobson, K., Kim, J., & Impett, E. A. (2022). Perceptual accuracy for sexual rejection in romantic relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51, 491-503. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02126-1
• 7Couture, S., Fernet, M., Hébert, M., Guyon, R., Lévesque, S., & Paradis, A. (2022). ‘‘I just want to feel good without making you feel bad’’: Sexual assertiveness negotiation in adolescent romantic relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 52(7), 3063-3079. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02668-6
• 8Impett, E. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2003). Sexual compliance: Gender, motivational, and relationship perspectives. The Journal of Sex Research, 40(1), 87-100. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490309552169
• 9a9bO’Sullivan, L. F., & Allgeier, E. R. (1998). Feigning sexual desire: Consenting to unwanted sexual activity in heterosexual dating relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 35(3), 234-243. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499809551938
• 10Vannier, S. A., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2010). Sex without desire: Characteristics of occasions of sexual compliance in young adults’ committed relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 47(5), 429-439. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490903132051