How can I express what I feel in my relationships if I haven’t learned how?

Charlie and Alex have been seeing each other for some time. One evening, they decide to address a disagreement in their relationship: the lack of quality time spent together. The discussion begins while Charlie is feeling very emotional. Charlie criticizes Alex, saying that it is their fault if the two spend less time together and if there is a lack of intimacy in the relationship, since Alex is too busy with work. Charlie continues with more criticisms toward Alex, such as the uneven sharing of household tasks, and the less frequent sexual relations between them. On their side, Alex shuts down and admits they do not know exactly how they are feeling. Alex then prefers to end the conversation. This reaction further annoys Charlie. The discussion ends, and neither of them feel heard nor satisfied. 

In this scenario, we see that the partners are using rather ineffective emotional regulation strategies (e.g., impulsively criticizing the other person, disconnecting from their emotions), since neither of them feel heard nor validated at the end of the discussion. On the contrary, the discussion does not lead to conflict resolution and instead creates distance between the partners. Like Charlie and Alex, many people may have difficulties expressing and managing their emotions and resolving disagreements in their romantic relationships.

So, what is emotional regulation?  

Emotional regulation is the way we live with our emotions: how we recognize them, understand them, how we welcome them without letting ourselves be overwhelmed, and how we are able to communicate them in a clear and respectful way. For example, it can mean to be able to calmly tell someone that we are angry without screaming at them, or to take a moment to breathe before responding to someone during a conflict. When this ability is not well developed, we can have difficulty dealing with how we feel: our emotions can become very strong, overwhelming, and be expressed in an impulsive way. That is what we call emotional dysregulation. 

This is what we see in Charlie and Alex’s conversation: 

• On one side, Charlie uses exteriorization1, which refers to the tendency to express negative emotions through outward-directed behaviors, often towards others. In fact, Charlie expresses their sadness in a dysregulated way, which manifests as impulsive criticisms towards Alex. For example, Charlie might raise their voice, or adopt a harsh or sarcastic tone when addressing Alex. 

• On the other side, Alex adopts avoidant behaviour1, such as a tendency to flee from, ignore, or minimize difficult emotions, instead of welcoming them and fully experiencing them. More specifically, Alex avoids connecting to his feeling of guilt and exploring it. Instead, they are trying to deny it, and are trying to flee the situation that triggers this emotion, by ending discussions on disagreements in his relationship, for example. 

How do these strategies develop? 

Very early on, children learn strategies in order to cope with their emotions by observing and interacting with the adults around them2,3,4. Children who grow up in an environment where their emotions are recognized, named and validated have a better likelihood of developing adequate strategies such as: 

• Mindfulness, or the ability to pay full attention to the present moment, without judgment and with compassion towards our emotions, thoughts and feelings5. For example, in the previous scenario, rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, Charlie could have noticed their heart racing, or the lump in their throat, and told themselves: “I feel triggered right now, this is difficult for me”, instead of trying to push the emotion away or act impulsively. They could have taken a few deep breaths to recentre before responding to Alex. 

• Acceptance, or the ability to recognize and welcome our emotions without judgment, instead of fighting against them6. For example, in the previous scenario, Alex could have taken a moment to notice that they were feeling guilty for neglecitng their relationhip because of work. They could tell themselves: “It is normal to feel this way, it shows that this relationship means a lot to me”. Rather than fleeing the conversation or avoiding thinking of the situation, theu could have chosen to sit with their emotion for a moment, and then discuss it more openly with Charlie. 

In certain family environments, caregivers are unable to provide their child with a secure framwork to meet their emotional needs. It is the case, for example, when a child is not listened to, when their emotions are criticized instead of validated, and when there is no time taken to discuss them. In this context, it is less likely that the child will learn to develop adequate emotional regulation strategies2,3,4,7. Instead, they may use less optimal strategies such as emotional avoidance et externalization. 

And... How can inadquate emotional regulation strategies negatively impact romantic relationships?

Learning to handle emotions well also allows to better listen, and to better understand other people’s emotions. It is a key element to navigating the ups and downs of a romantic relationship4,8. Indeed, a romantic relationship is both beautiful and demanding. Romantic relationships create positive emotions, as well as more difficult emotions, because they require  the partners to adapt and compromise. Moreover, partners’ needs and experiences do not always align perfectly. To get through more intense moments in a more constructive way, it is necessary to first be able to recognize and regulate what is happening internally. This makes it possible to express how we feel in a clear and respectful manner, to be more open, empathetic and accommodating toward what the other person is experiencing. 

In a discussion like Alex and Charlie’s, having a hard time managing one’s own emotions can make the conversation much more difficult. If each person is overwhelmed by their own emotions, it becomes hard to stay calm, to listen to one another, and to find solutions together. 

The good news is that we can always learn to use healthy emotional regulation strategies

Even if you did not grow up in an environment where you were taught to recognize and express your emotions, it is never too late to learn. Psychoeducation and psychotherapy can both help develop more adapted tools for experiencing and accepting your emotions, as well as expressing them with more compassion toward yourself and others. For example, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) encourages individuals to fully welcome difficult emotions rather than trying to escape or control them6.

A few additional resources 

Régulation des émotions: Comprendre et nommer les émotions

Compétences TCD: pleine conscience - YouTube

Chill Time on the App Store

How to cite this article: Belen Field, M. & Péloquin, K. (2025, September 15). How can I express what I feel in my relationships if I haven’t learned how? TRACE blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/how-can-i-express-what-i-feel-my-relationships-if-i-havent-learned-how

The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec. 

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