You are lying awake in your bed at night, lost in a sexual fantasy of yourself in a steamy encounter with your favorite celebrity. You turn over and find your partner sleeping next to you. You start to feel guilty and wonder: “Is this cheating? Oh no, is my relationship in trouble?”
Don’t worry! Experiencing fantasies about someone other than your current partner is perfectly normal; over half of people in monogamous romantic relationships report such fantasies1 . Today, we will dive into the realm of sexual fantasies and learn what they are, why they are not by default “bad thoughts”, and how they can be a very positive part of your sexuality.
Your friend Finley arrives at the restaurant looking nervous, telling you there is something that they would like to discuss with you. They start by saying that they have always been loyal, that they truly love their partner and has a fulfilling sex life with them. However, lately, an attractive new colleague has started working with them, and they find themselves fantasizing about them, imagining all kinds of sexual scenarios. They cannot help but feel like they are doing something wrong. Being in a monogamous relationship, they do not want to cheat on their partner. They wonder: Are their thoughts bad? Does this mean they are not attracted to their partner anymore? Should they tell their partner?
It is very common for people in exclusive romantic relationships to ask themselves: is having fantasies about someone who is not their partner cheating? To answer this question, let’s start from the beginning; what is a sexual fantasy? Simply put, sexual fantasies are any thought that turns you on. They are represented by imaginary images or scenarios that can be more or less detailed1 . Sexual fantasies are very common, in fact, 9 out of 10 people report having fantasies on a regular basis1 . Sexual fantasies are limitless and can be anything from real-life events, like sharing a romantic moment with a partner, to being completely made up, like being kidnapped by sexy aliens1 ,2 .
Now, you might frown and wonder: “But surely some sexual fantasies are normal, and some are weird or bad.” Well, yes and no! Researchers have long struggled with defining which fantasies are “normal” and which ones are not3 ,4 . Indeed, over the past years, researchers have realized that fantasies cannot be judged as good or bad based solely on what happens in them or who they are about3 .Even sexual fantasies that seem violent are not necessarily considered problematic.* In fact, 7 out of 10 individuals report having sexual fantasies that include physical and/or sexual violence, but when asked if they would want to experience them in real life, most will answer a definitive “no”4 .
Then, when are sexual fantasies considered bad? The key here is the distinction between imagination and reality. Imagination is a private garden where people are safe to explore any scenarios they want. While some people choose to recreate certain fantasies in real life, most will keep them safely in their garden. Therefore, sexual fantasies do not predict sexual behaviors5 . A problem arises when the line between imagination and reality is blurred. Fantasies tend to cause distress when they are frequent, invasive, rigid, and limited (e.g., someone cannot stop thinking about the fantasy, it is always the same scenario). The obsessive repetition can also cause the person to engage in behaviors that could harm themselves or others3 ,5 . In a nutshell, having any fantasy, even violent ones, is not an issue rather, the obsession with a fantasy can become a problem, limiting one’s sexual fulfillment.
Do not hesitate to seek professional help if your sexual fantasies are causing you distress. Any unpleasant feeling such as guilt or judgement can negatively impact your relationship with your sexual fantasies and your sexuality.
Returning to Finley’s situation, you can now reassure them. As long as they keep their fantasies in their mind (and in their pants), there is no reason to feel bad about their sexual fantasies. Now, should they tell their partner? Not if they do not want to. Sharing one’s sexual fantasy is an individual decision and not an obligation. If the goal is to experience the fantasy, one might decide to share it.
Now, you might argue that thinking about someone else means there is a problem in the relationship, that Finley must be unhappy. Contrary to what was first thought by researchers, fantasies are not a result of unsatisfying relationships. They originate from a wide range of random sources, whether it be people in the media, in real life, or maybe even a sexy pair of high heels6 . As sexual beings, humans can be turned on by a variety of things, no matter their relationship status or level of sexual satisfaction. In summary, fantasies are more than fine even in the context of a happy, committed monogamous relationship.
It has been shown that sexual fantasies can be beneficial in romantic relationships as they favor sexual arousal, which can be channeled into sexual activities with a partner7 . Sexual fantasies are also a great way to explore sexuality in a safe manner and can lead to discoveries about oneself1 . Fantasies are also fluid and will change throughout life1 . If Finley is still worried about their current fantasy, they can remember that their fantasy crush is likely to fade away as they move on to some exciting new scenarios.
Hopefully, this blog article has offered an introduction to sexual fantasies. Fantasizing about other people does not mean the relationship is in peril; actions are what matters. Sexual fantasies are a private garden and a wonderful, fun part of sexuality that can be explored to your heart’s content. So free your imagination from guilt and see what you come up with!
*An exception is made regarding the content of sexual fantasies, including children (pedophilia) and/or animals (zoophilia), which are rare (reported by less than 2 out of 10 people) and considered problematic due to the automatic implication of lack of consent.
The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec.
To cite this article: Canivet, C., & Bolduc, R. (2022, March 14). Sexy thoughts and sleepless nights: Am I cheating? TRACE Blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/sexy-thoughts-and-sleepless-nights-a…;
- 1 a b c d e f Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell me what you want: The science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life. Da Capo Press.
- 2Kahr, B. (2009). Who's been sleeping in your head: The secret world of sexual fantasies. Basic Books (AZ).
- 3 a b c Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2015). What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(2), 328-340. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12734
- 4 a b Canivet, C., Bolduc, R., & Godbout, N. (2021). Exploring Variations in Individuals’ Relationships to Sexual Fantasies: A Latent Class Analysis. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 1-12.
- 5 a b Gee, D. G., Devilly, G. J., & Ward, T. (2004). The content of sexual fantasies for sexual offenders. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 16(4), 315-331
- 6Strachey, S. (1962). Creative writers and day-dreaming. Dans The standard edition of the complete psychological works of sigmund freud, volume IX (1906-1908) : Jensen's ‘Gradiva’and other works (pp. 141-154).
- 7Davidson Sr, J. K., & Hoffman, L. E. (1986). Sexual fantasies and sexual satisfaction: An empirical analysis of erotic thought. Journal of Sex Research, 22(2), 184-205.