Nico and Ima have been a couple for five years. Nico was exposed to violence between his parents at a very early age, and was himself abused as a child. Although his relationship with Ima has been stable for several years, Nico doesn't always feel comfortable in his relationship. He sometimes feels like a stranger to his partner, as if they came from different planets. Ima feels this distance and suffers from the lack of emotional closeness in her relationship.Nico feels uncomfortable with intimacy. He says he's independent and uncomfortable with emotions. Ima would like to offer her partner more support. She's sad to see him devaluing himself and being unhappy. Despite her good will, the more she tries to be there for Nico, the more he pulls away.
People who, like Nico, have undergone traumatic experiences in a relational context (i.e., interpersonal trauma) may experience difficulties in their intimate relationships. However, these difficulties are not experienced by all victims of interpersonal trauma. In fact, some victims may be protected from these relationship difficulties by their secure attachment. Attachment is a deep emotional bond that develops in childhood between an individual and a significant figure (e.g., parent), influencing the way in which that individual creates and maintains relationships throughout his or her life. This bond can be secure, when the individual feels safe in relationships, or insecure, when it is marked by anxiety about losing the relationship or by avoidance of emotional closeness. Securely attached individuals exhibit low levels of avoidance and anxiety in their relationships, generally trust themselves and each other, and believe in their partner's reliability and availability. For example, Ima, who is securely attached, doesn't see disagreements with Nico as a threat to their relationship. She is therefore able to adapt to changes and challenges in her relationship without losing her sense of security1 .
What are the consequences of the interpersonal traumas experienced in childhood, and how can they affect romantic relationships in adulthood?
Repeated or prolonged exposure to multiple interpersonal traumas is likely to have an impact on an individual's development, and may affect:
- Self-perception2 . Let's take the case of Nico and Ima. Nico tends to feel defeated or worthless, and sometimes thinks he doesn't deserve Ima's love. This negative self-image can hinder the expression of his needs and desires, which can lead to an emotional and relational imbalance, where one partner invests more or constantly responds to the other's needs, creating dissatisfaction in the couple. Not feeling worthy of love or happiness can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors (e.g., isolating oneself emotionally or provoking arguments to confirm one's negative beliefs) or to a build-up of resentment or frustration, towards oneself or one's partner, which may affect the relationship3 .
- The way one deals with emotions or feels disconnected from them2 . Nico has difficulty recognizing his emotions. This difficulty in dealing with his emotions can lead to surges of anger or sadness, which can lead to conflict. It is Nico's difficulty in connecting with his emotions that gives Ima the impression that her partner is sometimes indifferent to her, and contributes to creating distance between them4 .
- The way one connects with others2 . Nico has difficulty feeling close to the people around him and nurturing his relationship with Ima. He has difficulty opening up to his partner and avoids being vulnerable. Difficulties in maintaining relationships and feeling connected with others hinder the development and maintenance of a stable relationship. In the case of Nico and Ima, these difficulties mean that they both experience feelings of loneliness, even while in a romantic relationship5 .
What about attachment?
Attachment insecurities develop when the caregiver is inconsistent or unpredictable in responding to the child's needs. These insecurities are often the result of traumatic experiences, such as abuse, neglect or abandonment by parental figures, which prevent the child from developing a sense of security and trust1 .
Attachment has two dimensions.
First, avoidant attachment, which is characterized by an intolerance of emotional closeness. Like Nico, avoidant individuals may distance themselves from their partner, preferring to rely on themselves. They often find it difficult to express their needs and emotions, and tend to withdraw rather than seek to resolve problems with the other person1 .
Next, anxious attachment is defined by concerns about the possibility of being abandoned. Anxious individuals may constantly seek comfort and validation from their partner and may be more sensitive to signals of rejection1 .
Attachment insecurities (i.e., avoidant and anxious attachment) are generally established in environments where individuals have not had access to a parental figure who meets their needs optimally. It is therefore common to find them in individuals who have suffered interpersonal trauma. Indeed, the more these individuals present attachment insecurities, the more their traumas have repercussions on their relationships6 .
How to cultivate a secure attachment?
The treatment of attachment insecurities can be complex, because they develop in childhood and shape the way we are and interact with others. Yet research suggests that attachment is built up over time and can evolve through a number of factors:
- Living secure relational experiences with a loving partner. It's possible that repeated interactions with Ima, who has a secure attachment, may help soothe Nico's7 ,8 attachment insecurities.
- Consulting a professional to work on attachment patterns. Attachment security can also be worked on in psychotherapy through targeted interventions within a secure therapeutic relationship7
. Individual and couple therapy are valuable tools for developing the following skills:
- Understanding emotions, reactions and needs.
- Becoming aware of one's own attachment patterns and how they influence relationships.
- Developing and maintaining healthy, supportive relationships with family and friends.
- Observing and learning from healthy relationships around you to integrate secure behaviors into your own relationships.
Finally, adopting certain behaviors within the couple can encourage attachment security. For example:
- Identifying and recognizing the ways in which you react to various situations.
- By avoiding to react emotionally, and taking the time to assess the situation and validate your interpretations.
- Expressing needs and feelings clearly and non-accusatorily.
- Be a source of comfort and support when one's partner is stressed or distressed.
- Striking a balance between intimacy and independence, respecting each other’s needs for personal space.
- Approaching conflicts with respect and working together to find solutions that satisfy both parties.
In conclusion, although attachment is deeply rooted in every individual, it is possible to consciously adopt secure habits that can promote one's well-being and that of one's partner. Cultivating attachment security in this way can help mitigate the negative impacts of one's traumas on one's relationships.
The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec.
To cite this article: Vaillancourt, S.-E., Lebeau, R. & Godbout, N. (2024, November 18). My past wounds complicate my romantic relationship. TRACE Blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/my-past-wounds-complicate-my-romanti…
- 1 a b c d Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
- 2 a b c World Health Organization. (2018). International statistical classification of diseases and related health problems (11th Revision). https://icd.who.int/ browse11/l-m/en
- 3Dorahy, M. J., Corry, M., Shannon, M., Webb, K., McDermott, B., Ryan, M., & F.W. Dyer, K. (2013). Complex trauma and intimate relationships: The impact of shame, guilt and dissociation. Journal of Affective Disorders, 147(1-3), 72–79.
- 4Bachem, R., Levin, Y., Zerach, G., Cloitre, M., & Solomon, Z. (2021). The interpersonal implications of PTSD and complex PTSD: The role of disturbances in self-organization. Journal of Affective Disorders, 290, 149–156. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2021.04.075
- 5Dagan, Y. & Yager, J. (2019). Addressing loneliness in complex PTSD. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 207 (6), 433-439. doi: 10.1097/NMD.0000000000000992.
- 6Vaillancourt, S.-E., Lebeau, R., Ledoux-Labelle, M.-J., Brassard, A., Vaillancourt-Morel, M.-P., Hébert, M., Fernet, M., & Godbout, N. (05/24-26/2024). L’attachement sécure : un pivot de l’ajustement dyadique chez les hommes survivants de traumas en enfance? [Oral communication]. 46th annual Conference of the Société Québécoise pour la Recherche en Psychologie (SQRP), Drummondville, QC, Canada.
- 7 a b Delage, M. (2007). Attachement et systèmes familiaux: Aspects conceptuels et conséquences thérapeutiques. Thérapie Familiale, 28, 391-414. https://doi.org/10.3917/tf.074.0391
- 8Baumann, M., Daspe, M. È., Bélanger, C., & Godbout, N. (2024). A safe haven through attachment: A dyadic perspective on the association between cumulative childhood trauma and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605241270013
