During their childhood, nearly one in two individuals report being exposed to their parents’ aggressive behaviour in the context of marital conflicts 1 ,2 . By 'aggressive behaviour,' we refer to yelling, complaining, or being unkind toward one another. Conflicts are common in a relationship. However, when these conflicts are poorly managed, they can lead to negative consequences for the mental health of both parents and their children, including anxiety, behaviour disorders, etc.3 ,4 . The impacts of this exposure leave a mark as these children grow up and become parents themselves.
A large portion of adults eventually become parents. Adults who were exposed to an environment marked by conflict between their parents might experience a heightened sensitivity to stress. This exposure to parental conflicts can also impact how one copes with events in their adult life, including in the context of parenthood5 . In fact, parenthood brings significant stress, including changes such as establishing a new routine, meeting different needs, and adapting to bodily changes 6 .
We wanted to gain a better understanding of how exposure to aggressive behaviour between parents during childhood affects the mental and relational health of Quebec parents. In this context, our team from the Parental Couples Project recruited 611 parents whose children are, on average, 30 months old. Our results reveal that exposure to aggressive behaviour between one's own parents during childhood is associated with the following for parents of young children:
- Psychological distress.
- Difficulty in forming and maintaining deep relationships with others, sustaining a positive self-image, and effectively regulating strong and intense emotions, such as anger or fear.
- A tendency to employ destructive strategies during conflicts, such as confrontation (e.g., insulting or resorting to personal attacks) and avoidance (e.g., remaining silent or ignoring one’s partner).
- Exposure to physical and psychological violence within their own intimate relationships.
Parents who were repeatedly exposed to aggressive behavior between their own parents during childhood may have grown up in an unsafe environment. Additionally, these adults likely lacked positive role models for learning how to engage in healthy relationships. The hostility they witnessed and the helplessness they felt may have contributed to the development of a negative self-image (e.g., "I am not a good partner") and negative perceptions of others (e.g., "I should not trust others"). It is possible that they were unable to learn to effectively regulate their emotions, a skill typically acquired in a stable and secure environment during childhood, which can make them more vulnerable during stressful situations such as the birth of a child. These parents also report more difficulties in their relationship with their partner and co-parent. Their heightened sensitivity to signs of danger may lead them to interpret certain of their partner’s behaviours, such as raising their voice or remaining silent, as threatening to their well-being7 . Consequently, this can lead them to adopt defensive attitudes.
To illustrate our point, let's consider the case of Martin and Fanny, who have a 2-year-old son, Noah:
During childhood, Martin witnessed his parents' disputes. They would shout at each other and use hurtful words, sometimes even throwing objects. When he heard voices escalating in the house, Martin would become stressed and worried about the outcome of the conflicts. Today, when Fanny is angry with him and criticizes him while raising her voice, Martin feels like he is reliving the same situation from his childhood, and he perceives it as a threat. He then resorts to destructive strategies, raising his voice in response to Fanny to defend himself. There are times when he withdraws himself to avoid the conflict. Having grown up observing his parents harass each other, he accepts this type of behavior from his partner. He feels like he deserves these reactions and believes that all relationships contain an element of violence.
Consequences for the children
The use of aggressive behaviours during conflicts between parents can be perceived by the children as a threat to their well-being. When exposed to conflicts, they may wonder, "Am I in danger?" or "Could something serious happen to my mother, father, or family?" For example, a child who frequently heard their parents shouting during conflicts might become easily upset when they hear an adult raise their voice. For them, the change in tone of voice becomes an alarm signal indicating a threat to their well-being and an increase in their stress level8 .
These children who were exposed to aggressive behaviours between their parents will also learn that employing destructive strategies and violence within a couple is a normal response to conflicts. This can contribute to the perpetuation of a cycle of violence from one generation to the next. In Noah's case, he will learn how conflicts unfold by observing his parents' behaviour during disagreements. In his adult romantic relationships, Noah may in turn tend to mimic his parents and exhibit behaviours such as criticisms towards his partner, withdrawal, or heightened emotional reactivity during conflicts.
What can parents do to break the cycle?
Conflicts within a couple are inevitable and even important for the proper functioning of a relationship. The key is to resolve them appropriately. Here are some strategies 9 ,10 :
- Focus on the specific issue: Avoid getting distracted or generalizing it to all your dissatisfaction within the relationship or past behaviours. Besides diluting the issue, this can overwhelm your partner, who will likely feel threatened.
- Find acceptable alternatives for each person: When one partner "wins" a conflict, the couple loses. It's important to "lay your cards on the table" and try to tackle it as a team.
- Express yourself using "I" rather than criticizing the other person, for example: "I would appreciate it if you were there more often to help with the children" or "I would like you to listen when I talk about my day at work.", rather than “You don’t help me with the kids” or “You never listen to me”.
- Listen to your partner's point of view and try to put yourself in their shoes, for example: "If I understand correctly, you often feel alone with the children, and you'd like me to be more present?" or "You feel I don't pay attention to what you say, and you'd like me to be more attentive?" Before explaining your perspective and trying to find a solution, it's generally helpful to take time to reflect on what the other person is trying to communicate without becoming defensive. Do not hesitate to admit your mistakes when necessary and take committed actions to avoid repeating them.
- Be willing to compromise while respecting yourself to find solutions that work for both you and your partner.
- Pay attention to your body language: Look your partner in the eyes, nod when they speak. Posture and facial expressions send important signals to your partner. Your message will come across better if your words align with your non-verbal language.
- Try to express your gratitude or appreciation for your partner during conflict management, for example: "I appreciate that you have the courage to talk about this, that you take the time to discuss it with me," or "I know this situation is tough, but I want us to do what it takes to get through it."
- Celebrate victories! Congratulate yourselves for moments when you've communicated well or solved problems together.
Stress makes it more challenging to control aggressive behaviours, and in situations of heightened emotions, there is a higher risk of resorting to sarcasm or behaviours that can hurt the other person. To avoid these:
- Choose the right time to talk: Do not initiate a discussion when you are overwhelmed with emotions, too tired, or in front of the children 9 .
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- If you feel overwhelmed, it's important to calm down first before addressing sensitive topics. You can do this by retreating to a quiet room or taking a walk.
- Develop strategies to cope with stress and positive problem-solving skills, such as tackling one issue at a time, deep breathing, expressing your emotions, and challenging your thoughts to align your perceptions with reality 11 .
- Don't let problems pile up. Communicate regularly to prevent minor issues from escalating into major conflicts.
Our family of origin can significantly influence our behaviours in adulthood. However, our path is not all predetermined. It is possible to change our behaviours and learn to resolve conflicts in our relationships in a healthier and more positive way. Using positive behaviours enables rich and satisfying relationships between partners, benefiting the entire family!
Crisis resources
Info-Social (811-option 1) or Info-Santé (811-option 2): A free and confidential consultation service that can refer you to an appropriate resource within the healthcare and social services network or a community resource (24/7, 7 days a week).
Écoute Entraide: Support for individuals experiencing emotional distress.
- 8am to 10pm, 7 days a week
- Montreal 514-278-2130 | Toll free (region) 1-855-365-4463
S.O.S domestic violence: Services for victims, the general public, and all individuals affected by domestic violence.
- 24h/24, 7 days a week
- Telephone 1-800-363-9010 | Text 438-601-1211
- Telecommunication (for deaf individuals) : 1-800-363-9010
To better deal with your conflicts as a couple and with parenthood, please visit Clinique CCCF’s website: Specializing in couples therapy, the clinic offers readings, podcasts, and conferences on couples' relationships.
The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec.
How to cite this article: Lassance, L., Paradis, A. & Godbout, N. (2023, November 6). I saw my parents argue aggressively during my childhood. Blogue TRACE. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/i-saw-my-parents-argue-aggressively-…
- 1Dugal, C., Bélanger, C., Brassard, A., & Godbout, N. (2019). A dyadic analysis of the associations between cumulative childhood trauma and psychological intimate partner violence : The mediating roles of negative urgency and communication patterns. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(2), 337‑351. https://doi.org/gh7v7x
- 2Godbout, N., Daspe, M.-È., Lussier, Y., Sabourin, S., Dutton, D., & Hébert, M. (2016). Early exposure to violence, relationship violence, and relationship satisfaction in adolescents and emerging adults: The role of romantic attachment. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 9(2), 127. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0000136
- 3Cummings, E. M., Schermerhorn, A. C., Davies, P. T., Goeke-Morey, M. C., & Cummings, J. S. (2006). Interparental discord and child adjustment : Prospective investigations of emotional security as an explanatory mechanism. Child Development, 77(1), 132‑152. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00861.x
- 4Siffert, A., & Schwarz, B. (2011). Parental conflict resolution styles and children’s adjustment : Children’s appraisals and emotion regulation as mediators. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 172(1), 21‑39. https://doi.org/10.1080/00221325.2010.5037235
- 5McLaughlin, K. A., Conron, K. J., Koenen, K. C., & Gilman, S. E. (2010). Childhood adversity, adult stressful life events, and risk of past-year psychiatric disorder: A test of the stress sensitization hypothesis in a population-based sample of adults. Psychological Medicine, 40(10), 1647–1658. https://doi.org/10.1017/ S00332917099921216
- 6Keizer, R., & Schenk, N. (2012). Becoming a parent and relationship satisfaction : A longitudinal dyadic perspective. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(4), 759‑773. https://doi.org/f35cd4
- 7Biaggi, A., & Pariante, C. M. (2015). La trasmissione intergenerazionale dello stress : Fattori di rischio e meccanismi sottostanti [Intergenerational transmission of stress : Risk factors and underlying mechanisms]. Journal of Psychopathology, 21, 40‑47. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2017.01.146
- 8Grych, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (1991). Marital Conflict and Children’s Adjustment : A Cognitive-Contextual Framework. Psychological Bulletin, 108(2), 267‑290. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.108.2.267
- 9 a b Gauchat, A., & Gauthier, N. (2021). Comment mieux s’exprimer en couple. Le Cahier. https://lecahier.com/comment-mieux-sexprimer-en-couple/
- 10Gauchat, A., & Gauthier, N. (2022). Quelques stratégies d’écoute pour votre couple (partie 1). Le Cahier. https://lecahier.com/quelques-strategies-decoute-pour-votre-couple-part…
- 11Centre d’études sur le stress humain. (s. d.). Stratégies d’adaptation. https://www.stresshumain.ca/le-stress/dejouer-le-stress/etape-de-gestio…
