First relationships, first conflicts

Adolescence is a period of great change. On the one hand, your autonomy and identity are developing1 . On the other hand, you have to make more decisions that may have long-term consequences on yourself and others (e.g., choosing a program of study)2 ^,3 ^,4 . For many, this is also the time when they experience their first dating relationships5 . As adolescence progresses, these relationships become more significant and take on a greater importance in individuals’ daily lives, which increases the opportunities for conflict to occur with one's partner6 . You may have a different opinion about current events than your partner. You may disagree about whether you should go out with friends or stay in and watch a movie together. But be careful! Experiencing conflict is not negative. Rather, it is an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner. Through these conflicts, you can learn to better communicate and negotiate your needs, which are two essential elements for living in healthy and happy relationships7 ^,8 .

What is a conflict?  

In a dating relationship, a conflict is a series of interactions that follows a sequence in time, that is, with a beginning and an end. It could be illustrated by the following four main stages9 ^,10 ^,11 :

Once the issue has been clarified, the management strategies used by each partner are crucial to the outcome of the conflict. There are strategies that will help you to grow from a conflict and feel closer to your partner. Conversely, other strategies used to deal with a conflict may prevent a mutually satisfactory solution or even lead to an escalation into violence12 .

The principle of feedback: "It takes two to tango!"

The principle of feedback allows you to understand that the outcome of a conflict is determined by the management strategies used by each partner. When there is a conflict, the strategies used by one partner influence the other and vice versa. Let's look at an example:

Why do some conflicts escalate while others are easily resolved? To answer this question, it is crucial to look at the interactions between partners13 ^,14 ^,15 .A study conducted by our team on the management of conflicts in the context of dating in adolescence has identified four main types of feedback that can be adopted by partners during conflicts. To gain a better understanding of this concept, we propose an exercise: try to remember a conflict you had with this or that partner, regardless of the issue. At the time of the conflict, did you feel that you expressed your needs well and listened to your partner? How did your partner feel about you? Try to think back over the course of the interactions with your partner. You may recognize feedback that you have experienced from these four cases illustrated by real testimonials from our study1 :

1.        Each one attacks the other and then moves on

Sometimes you may express frustration (e.g., losing patience, shouting...) towards a partner. Don't panic! This may happen on occasion. However, it tends to cause a very similar reaction in your partner. Even if you change the subject, after a while, the conflict will often resurface later.

2.       One pursues, the other flees

One partner may insist on discussing an issue in the relationship (e.g., not spending enough time together, not being conscious enough of money, etc.) despite it not being a good time for their partner. They may be preoccupied with life events (e.g., an important exam, a family dinner, etc.). Some people may run away from the conflict to avoid dealing with it, making it difficult to resolve.

3.        One demands, the other submits

Sometimes you may agree to a partner's demands, for example to avoid having to argue or to avoid retaliation. It may be tempting to buy peace, but then you will not have the opportunity to express your point of view. So, no compromise will occur. 

4.       Everyone collaborates

When each partner shows empathy and good communication skills, conflicts can be resolved. To achieve a satisfactory outcome, you need to work with your partner. Here are some tips on how to do this:

• To avoid escalating the conflict, take a moment to calm down if you feel the need to do so. Once the tension has eased, engage your partner in a calm dialogue. Avoiding the subject or being aggressive does not resolve conflicts and they often resurface later.
• Listening is key to determining when to bring up relationship issues with your partner. If a partner is being pushy and it's not time to talk about it, don't run away from the conflict. Communicate your boundaries clearly to avoid building up frustration. Reschedule the discussion to a mutually agreed upon time.
• To resolve a conflict to everyone's satisfaction, both partners must express their needs clearly and safely. Value your partner's needs as much as your own.

When in a conflict with your partner, you can use these tips. Know how to listen to your partner's needs and express your own in return!

The publication of this article was made possible thanks to our partner, the Interdisciplinary Research Centre on Intimate Relationship Problems and Sexual Abuse (CRIPCAS), and the Fonds de recherche du Québec. 

To cite this article: Bouvier, J., Fernet M., Paradis, A., & Dussault, É. (2023, March 13th). First relationships, first conflicts? TRACE Blog. https://natachagodbout.com/en/blog/first-relationships-first-conflicts&…;

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